Hard to Hold On Read online

  I had fun last night, but the fun only lasted for so long and can’t cover up how I really feel. I can’t believe he’s actually come back to Miami. The look in his eyes nearly killed me and I seriously wanted to take him back but I knew better. I knew not to fall into his arms like the idiot that I once was. I know to stay away because all players and cheaters do is lie. They’ll lie straight to my face but, for some reason, Nolan didn’t seem like a liar. He seemed far from it.

  “Shit,” I hiss, cranking the car with trembling hands. I pull out of my parking spot, spotting Nolan’s red Mustang sitting at the curb. Seeing it causes my heart to pound and I speed out, hurrying to my destination. I’d rather be at school than anywhere near the guy who promised not to break my heart but did anyway.

  ****

  Class has just started as I swing the door open. I trail down the aisle with my head down, feeling a pair of heavy eyes on me. Tyler is sitting at my old table, the spot next to him available and ready for me. Unfortunately, I don’t go for it. I go for the table where a girl is already sitting. She looks at me and forces a smile but I’m sure she’s considering me crazy for sitting beside her, just like I thought Tyler was crazy for sitting beside me when there were plenty of empty seats left in the room.

  “Natalie!” someone hisses. I turn around only to see Brittany standing at the door. Brittany is the first girl I’d met at this community college and she’s pretty down to earth. She’s sweet, into reading, and has a really hot boyfriend that plays a mean acoustic guitar.

  I don’t even bother to remove my satchel. I grab my book, stand, push my chair in, and hurry for the back door. I can still feel Tyler’s eyes on me but I don’t dare myself to look his way. I can’t make eye contact with him. I can feel the frustration coming from his direction but I purposely avoid it.

  Brittany steps back and I follow her out, allowing the door to shut behind me. “Brittany, where the hell have you been?” I ask, pulling her in for a hug.

  “Jordan and I just got back from a cruise,” she sighs. “It was a blast. We made so many stops and picked up a ton of souvenirs. In fact . . . I got you something.” She digs around in her purse and then pulls out a long, silver box to hand it to me. “Go ahead, open it. I saw you rushing to class but had to give it to you before I headed home. When I saw it, the first person I thought of was you.”

  I smile lightly, taking the lid off the box and staring down at the encrypted gold pen. The words on it are: “To write is to breathe”. The script of the encryption stretches across the entire length of the pen.

  “Wow, Brittany,” I gasp. “I love it. Where did you get it?”

  “From a trip in Hawaii. There was a mini gift shop and a whole section full of books and writing supplies. They say this pen came from one of the greatest poets in Hawaii who died two years ago. I can’t remember his name but they made it a huge deal.”

  “What? How much did it cost?”

  “Only fifty bucks,” she shrugs.

  I gasp. “You paid fifty bucks for an ink pen?”

  “Hey, it’s worth it! At least I know that you’ll use it a lot.”

  “Are you even sure there’s any ink left,” I tease as I twist the pen. The tip rolls out and I draw a line on the top of my hand. “It still writes pretty good.”

  “He had it made by someone. It’s supposed to be durable for ten years I think. So . . . you like it?”

  “Brittany, I love it!” I pull her in again and she giggles as she hugs me back. As I pull away, the door behind us creaks open and we spin around, only to see the phenomenal Tyler Stokes stepping out.

  He looks at me first but once he reaches sight of Brittany, his eyes narrow. “Natalie, can I talk to you for a sec?”

  “Um . . .” I bite on my lower lip then look at Brittany who is scowling at Tyler.

  “I’ll call you later, Natalie.” She twists around, almost too quickly to seem real, and then dashes down the hallway and out of the door.

  Turning slowly, I face Tyler who has his fingertips tucked in his pockets. “You know her?” he asks, smiling casually.

  “She’s a friend of mine.”

  He nods slowly, licking his lips. “May I ask you something?”

  “Sure,” I say as firmly as I can but I have to admit I’m nervous as hell.

  “You’re ignoring me. Why?”

  “I’m not ignoring you.”

  “I had a seat saved for you in there. I saw you look right at it but you went for a seat next to someone you didn’t know? Was last night a regret?”

  I shrug as I place my new pen into my satchel bag. I then adjust the strap and my book that’s beneath my arm. “Last night isn’t a regret. It was fun.”

  Tyler chuckles lightly but then he does the unexpected. He steps forward and pushes me against the wall, kissing me with a little too much passion. I begin to melt against him as the heat radiates from his firm body but it takes only a few seconds for me to pull away.

  “Tyler . . . I—we can’t do this. I’m not feeling well today.”

  His eyes harden as he takes a step back. Taking a deep breath, he rakes a hand through his hair and swallows the invisible lump in his throat. “I’m sorry. I’m just . . . it’s been a while. I really like you. I just thought you had fun with me last night.”

  I look at him inconspicuously, adjusting the strap of my bag again and taking a step forward. “Last night was fun, but today has been shit for me. I’ll call you soon and we can still study tomorrow I just need a little me-time, you know?”

  “Yeah,” he breathes. “Yeah, sure. I can give you that.”

  Nodding, I step around him but as he calls my name, I curse beneath my breath. I turn to face him, confused by the smile on his lips. “Please don’t keep me waiting.”

  Forcing a smile, I take gradual steps back until my back bumps against the exit door. “I won’t,” I lie before hurrying out.

  Chapter Twenty

  Nolan

  “I better be seeing shit,” Mills grumbles from my bedroom door. Groaning, I flip on my stomach, allowing my back to face him as he flips the light switch on. “Nolan get your ass up now. Why are you not with Natalie?”

  “Because she doesn’t want me,” I slur.

  “Are you drunk?”

  “Possibly,” I chuckle as he turns me onto my back again. He looks down at me and I watch as he spins above me. “Where’s Lorie?”

  “In the living room so don’t bring your drunk ass out there.”

  “Well I have to go out there if I wanna meet up with Natalie again, right? But this time I’m going to get her to listen to me. I’m not letting her run.”

  “Yeah,” Mills scoffs. “You better do something. You know I’ll fuck you up if we came back this fast for nothing.”

  He turns around, making his way towards the door but before he can stop, he looks over his shoulder at me. “I . . . uh . . . I have something from Dad that you might wanna read. It’s a letter that he left with Mom. She told me to give it to you if she didn’t make the surgery.”

  In an instant I straighten up and stare at him. My eyelids are heavy but I force them to stay open. “Well where is it?”

  “I’m not giving it to you until you’re sober. Goodnight, fag.” He chuckles, stepping out, turning the light off, and shutting the door behind him.

  Shaking my head, I stand from the bed and stumble onto my feet. A few boxes are kicked aside but I find my phone through the darkness and call Natalie. Of course it goes straight to voicemail. “Damn it,” I hiss. I swore I wasn’t going to talk to her again but I miss her. I want nothing more than to hear her voice, to be next to her.

  Without thinking, I pull some jeans on, grab whatever T-shirt I can find through the darkness, and then clutch my house keys. I pull my door open and peep out towards the living room. Mills must be in his bedroom which is good. I don’t want him to see me going out in the stupor I’m in. But I’ve told myself this a million times. I’m not giving up on Natalie. I’m not givin
g up on the love I have for her. It’s real and I know it. I just need to fight to win it again.

  Shutting the apartment door behind me, I rush down the stairs and hit the sidewalk. It feels good tonight. The breeze is just right and feels pleasant as it brushes against my flushed cheeks. My skin is hotter than hell and I feel like a million degrees but I won’t stop. I think I may have drunk a little too much and my body wants nothing but rest but I’m not stopping until I get to Natalie.

  ****

  It takes me fifteen minutes by foot to get to Natalie’s condo. I spot her car parked in the parking lot and rush for the entrance. I push the button on the elevator and it opens immediately. Soft elevator music floods through my ears and pounds against my skull. I want to tap out but I’m too close to my cure. I’m too close to what I want most.

  The doors slide open and I stagger towards her door. My fists pound louder than I expect and quick footsteps scuffle around on the other side of the door. “Who the hell is that?” I hear Harper ask from a distance. That’s not the voice I want to hear.

  The door swings open and in front of me is my best friend Dawson. “Dude, what the fuck are you doing out so late?” He lets me in but my legs give out and I fall against him. He catches me before I fall but he stumbles from holding my weight. “Holy shit, Nolan. What the hell is wrong with you?” He drags me with him and not long after my back lands on something deeply cushioned.

  “Oh my God, is he okay?” Harper asks, panic behind her voice.

  A door creaks open and light footsteps come in my direction before a heavy gasp lets out. “Nolan?” the voice I want to hear most calls. I dare my eyes to open and I spot my Bunny looking down at me. Her eyes are drowned with worry. Her hair is down and swimming around her small face.

  “Natalie,” I croak.

  “Dawson, bring him to my room,” she says as she looks at him.

  With a grunt, Dawson lifts me up and drapes my arm around his shoulder. “How much did you have to drink, man?”

  “Uh . . .” I hesitate as he drags me to Natalie’s room. My vision doubles as he drags me towards the bed and I land on my back. “Let’s see. Mills had some Tequila. I downed that. He had one case of beer . . . downed that, too . . . maybe two shots of vodka—”

  “What?!” Natalie squeals. She pushes past Dawson and places a hand against my forehead. “Oh my God, Nolan. You’re cold.” She sits on the edge of the bed, lifting me upright and I rest my head against her chest.

  “Might be alcohol poisoning,” Harper says. Dawson turns to look at her with a raised eyebrow and she shrugs. “What? I know the signs.”

  “Of course you do,” he sighs. “Look, I’ll go grab a bucket or something. Don’t need my man throwing up all over your bedroom. Just know it’s coming. Stick with him.”

  “I will.” Natalie’s voice sounds like heaven in my ear. I love hearing it.

  “Natalie, I’m so sorry,” I slur.

  She shushes me as she rocks me in her arms. My eyes begin to shut but she pushes me back by my shoulders. “No, Nolan. You have to stick with me. If you fall asleep I might not get you back,” she says, her voice cracking. “This is my fault. Why would you drink so much?”

  “It’s what Mills does to get rid of the pain. It seems to always work for him.”

  “I’m sure he doesn’t drink this much, Nolan. You look terrible.”

  “Are you not attracted to me anymore?” I tease, admiring her worry. Worry means she still cares.

  “Nolan—” She breaks off as my head falls. A tightness creeps up to my throat and not long after there’s burning. My stomach boils and I rush away from her quickly to get to the bathroom. I pull the toilet seat up and the vomit splurges from deep down. It hurts like hell. I hate throwing up—especially when it feels like I’m throwing up my insides. I haven’t eaten shit all day. There’s nothing but alcohol on my stomach.

  A hand touches my back and rubs up and down. “Get it out, Nolan,” Natalie coos to me. “I’m sorry.”

  I hate that I can’t respond. I should be the one apologizing to her. Her hand continues to rub across my back and soon the night drifts but with each hour is more vomit. A time comes when the vomit ceases and I fall into Natalie’s arms. My heavy eyelids manage to peek open and look up at her. She’s already looking at me in the same way she used to. In the way that lets me know she has no choice but to love me.

  “I love you, Bunny. I swear I do. You mean a lot to me.”

  She presses her lips together, looking me over while continuing to rock me in her arms. “Did you cheat on me, Nolan?”

  I stare up at her and try to shake my head but for some reason I can’t manage. Weariness takes over me and I try to fight against it but I’m losing. I’m weak, vulnerable. I’m at my weakest state and I know I’m not going to remember any of this tomorrow but I don’t care. I’m just glad to be with her. I’m glad I can actually be in her arms and have her near me. It may not last long—this moment may not last long—but I’m cherishing this night, no matter how many times I may throw my guts up.

  A response never shows up for her. Instead she continues to rock me in her arms until I drift into an abysmal sleep. I’ve never been more relieved to be in her arms than now. I’m glad her face is the last face I see before drifting off. Her lips press against my clammy forehead and it gives me hope that we can still make this work. It’s not over.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Natalie

  Sleeping is nearly impossible when I have Nolan who came out of nowhere with alcohol poisoning. It makes me feel terrible knowing the only reason he may have drank so much is because of me and my snobbish attitude towards him earlier. He wanted to forget about me but instead he got sick from it.

  I’ve been up all night by his side watching his chest sink and rise. Alcohol poisoning is deadly but after I knew he wasn’t going to throw up anymore, I pulled his messy shirt and jeans off and Dawson helped me get him into my bed. I don’t want him to stop breathing. I may be upset with him but death is something I’d never wish upon him. I care too much—I care a lot. I love Nolan to death which is why I don’t want to leave from his side.

  The sun spills through my curtains as I run my fingers through his dark hair. He isn’t as cold as he was a few hours ago. He’s beginning to warm up. He’s also snoring which is a good sign because it means he’s only getting better.

  Reaching my arm out, I grab my phone and check the time. It’s eight in the morning and I know I should be getting ready to go and meet Brittany at Starbucks at ten but I don’t want to leave Nolan’s side. She called last night and said she wanted to talk to me about Tyler. I found it odd but I told her I would meet up with her anyway. I wasn’t sure what she had to say about him but I was definitely going to find out.

  I don’t know what Nolan will say once he’s awake. I don’t know how he will react once he notices that he’s in my bedroom and not drunk out of his mind anymore. He told me last night he was sorry and he loved me but what was he so sorry about? When I asked him if he’d cheated on me, I really wanted an answer but I knew I wasn’t going to get one because he was fighting his sleep.

  Sighing, I pull away from him slowly and climb out of bed. I get the cleaner from beneath the sink and clean off the toilet and the floors and then start the shower. The water feels nice and for some reason I’m satisfied with having Nolan near me. I’m glad he’s in my bed—glad I can step out and look at his face once again.

  After I’m out of the shower, I hurry out the bathroom and go for some clothes. My phone buzzes, interrupting my scramble through my drawer and I go for it, assuming it’s Brittany.

  Of course I’m wrong.

  Tyler: I guess we have something to talk about tonight. Didn’t get my call from you.

  I sigh, reading over his text again before calling Brittany. She answers in a chipper tone, the background extremely loud.

  “Hi, Brittany. We should meet earlier,” I tell her.

  “Oh yes, please,” s
he says loudly. “I’m at Jordan’s garage and he’s practicing with a few band members. They’re giving me a migraine! I’ll be there in twenty!”

  “Okay. I’ll see you in twenty.”

  I hang up, hurrying to put some clothes on. After I’m dressed, I look over my shoulder at Nolan who has turned on his side but is still snoring. Hopefully he’s still here when I get back. I don’t want him to leave. It’s time to talk and settle our differences.

  ****

  I nibble at my bottom lip, waiting for Brittany to arrive.

  It isn’t until ten minutes after our planned time when I finally spot her walking between the tables to get to me with a wide smile on her lips. I force one back as she removes her purse from her shoulder and places it in her lap.

  “Hey girly,” she breathes. “Sorry I’m late. Got caught up with my mom and she wants to go out to eat in a bit so I’m now on a slight time crunch.”

  “Hey—yeah, it’s fine.”

  “So, what’d you get?” she asks, looking at my cup.

  “Oh, an iced latte with extra caramel. It’s pretty good. Would you like one?”

  “No thank you,” she says, shaking her head and folding her fingers on top of the table. Her green eyes scan the area quickly before meeting mine again, her chipper mood immediately evaporating. “Okay,” she sighs, her voice shaky. “I just want you to know Tyler Stokes used to be my ex-boyfriend,” she starts. “He’s the one who broke my heart . . . in more ways than one.”

  “How? What did he do?” I ask nervously, slightly taken off guard.

  “What didn’t he do?” she retorts sarcastically. “Tyler was sweet at first. I really liked him. I was told by one of my friends that he hadn’t dated a girl since tenth grade but then I saw him with another girl at the park. Everyone used to tell me how he enjoyed being single and if he ever asked a girl out, they were lucky because it was rare. I’m going to be honest here. That’s bullshit.”